Snow White and The Seven Dwarves: Hogwarts Style!
by Mercury Silverscale
Summary: Yes, I know it's probably been done before, but I just had to try it. (Rated PG-13 for swearing, alcohal referances, and bit o' slash at the end.)
1. Act I, Scenes 1 and 2

A/N: This is the Harry Potter version of Snow White. I came up with this as I typed it. Other than that, I have nothing to say. Enjoy!  
  
*Mercury is directing a the play "Snow White and the Seven Dwarves", starring the wonderful people of Harry Potter. She has just posted the list of who got what part on the dressing-room door. The actors aren't too pleased.*  
  
Cast Of Characters   
  
"Prince" Snow White- Draco Malfoy  
  
Evil "King"- Lucius Malfoy  
  
Magic Mirror- Mercury Silverscale  
  
Huntsman- Ron Weasley  
  
Doc- Oliver Wood  
  
Grumpy- Bob the Stick Figure  
  
Happy- Colin Creevy  
  
Sleepy- Seamus Finnegan  
  
Sneezy- Hermione Granger  
  
Bashful- Ginny Weasley  
  
Dopey- Gregory Goyle  
  
Princess- Fleur Delacour  
  
King as an Old Man- Severus Snape  
  
Chorus- Hogwarts Professors  
  
*charecters are looking at the list and complaining*  
  
Draco: Wait a second! Snow White's a girl!  
  
Lucius: This is a disgrace to the Malfoy name!  
  
Fleur: I am much too beautiful to be a mere preen-cess! Stupid Americans!  
  
Ron: Huntsman! What's the point of being the huntsman if I don't get to kill Malfoy?  
  
Snape: I am NOT old!!!  
  
Wood: I do not stutter and I'm not a workaholic!  
  
Bob: Are you trying to imply something here?   
  
Colin: Yay! I'm Happy!  
  
Draco: *mutters* No shit...  
  
Seamus: Why am I Sleepy?  
  
Hermione: Why am I Sneezy?!  
  
Ginny: When have I ever been bashful?  
  
Ron: Whenever Harry's around...  
  
Me: SHUT UP! *everyone goes quiet* Thank you. *in drill sergeant voice* Now, I don't care if you don't like your part. I don't care if it disgraces your family name, or if Snow White is a girl. I don't care if you want to kill Malfoy, or if Americans are stupid. I'm the director/writer/producer, and you are the actors. Therefore, I outrank you, and if I tell you to jump off a bridge backwards while dancing the can-can, you will do it! Understand?!  
  
All: Yes, ma'am...  
  
Me: Good. Okay, first scene!!!  
  
ACT I, SCENE I: The King's Palace, Throne Room   
  
*the lights go up, revealing the stage made up to look like a throne room*  
  
Lucius: *enters w/ Draco* ...then wash the windows and polish the picture frames over there.   
  
Draco: *sweetly* Yes, stepfather. *Exits*  
  
Lucuis: Ahhh. I feel so beautiful! I am the most beautiful person in the world. It makes me so happy!!! *stops* Alright, I don't want to do this! I sound too… feminine.   
  
Me: That's the general idea.  
  
Lucius: Someone could be taping this to blackmail me!  
  
Me: Now what are the chances of that? (What Lucius doesn't know is that Bob is taping every second of this, with plans to sell the video on the black market.)   
  
Lucius: ...  
  
Me: My point exactly. Okay, action!  
  
Lucius: Where was I... okay. *clears throat* It makes me so happy! *gasps* What if... what if someone is prettier than me?! I need to ask the mirror. I summon you, O great and powerful Magic Mirror! *A curtain next to the throne is pulled back, revealing me, The Magic Mirror*  
  
Me: Yes, your Majesty? What would you like to hear? Ask me anything.  
  
Lucuis: Magic mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest one of all?  
  
Me: Certainly not you.  
  
Lucius: *Shock and Awe* WHAT!?!?  
  
Me: Hey, you asked.  
  
Lucius: WHO!?!? WHO IS IT!?! I'LL-  
  
Me: All right! It's Snow White, okay!? He's prettier than you are!!!   
  
Lucius: What the f*ck! That stupid f*cking b**ch; I'm going to f*cking rip his f*cking head off!  
  
Me: Okay, I got it! Jeez, watch the language. This isn't HBO.  
  
Lucius: BRING ME THE HUNTSMAN, GODDAMMIT!!  
  
Ron: *runs in* Yes, you Majesty?  
  
Lucius: *regains composure* I have a job for you, Huntsman.  
  
Ron: What is it, your Majesty?  
  
Lucius: I want you to kill someone for me.  
  
Ron: *gasps* I'm sorry your Majesty, but that goes against every one of my standards! It's a crime, it's morally wrong, and I don't-  
  
Lucius: I want you to kill my stepson.  
  
Ron: Oh! That's it? Well, why didn't you say so? When do you want him dead?   
  
Lucius: As soon as possible.  
  
Ron: What weapon?  
  
Lucius: Whatever you have is fine. All you need to do is kill him, and bring back proof that he's dead… an appendage, or something.  
  
Ron: It shall be done, your Majesty! *skips out, humming "We Are The Champions"*  
  
Lucius: That went nicely. *sits down on his throne* When the day is done, Snow White will be dead, and I will be the fairest in the land! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!  
  
Me: *sigh*  
  
*fade to black*  
  
END SCENE I  
  
ACT I, SCENE II: The Forest   
  
*lights go up, revealing the same stage in the guise of a forest*  
  
Draco: Oh, look, roses! Aren't they pretty? And petunias! *turns away*  
  
Ron: Yeah, sure. *stealthily pulls out his knife*  
  
Draco: I just loooooove flowers, don't you? They're so pretty, and they smell good, and *turns around, see Huntsman with knife* AAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!! What are you doing?  
  
Ron: His Majesty ordered me to kill you, so that's what I'm doing.  
  
Draco: But why?  
  
Ron: He's jealous of you. Plus you're annoying. But it's mostly the first one.  
  
Draco: *sings* But I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me!  
  
Chorus: He is just a poor boy from a poor family! Spare him his life of this monstrosity!  
  
Ron: OKAY!!!! Just stop singing, and I'll do anything you want!!!  
  
Draco: Yay!  
  
Ron: I'll need proof that you're dead, though… I'll just get the heart of an some animal, he won't know the difference. *exits*  
  
Draco: Oh, I'm so afraid! What if some animal eats me? What if I get lost? What if none of the Motel 6s have cable?  
  
Me: Cut, cut, cut!!!  
  
Draco: What?  
  
Me: That last part wasn't in the script!  
  
Draco: So I improvised. They do it all the time on "Saturday Night Live".   
  
Me: *seethes* This isn't "Saturday Night Live", you twit! It's my play!  
  
  
  
Draco: Why can't Fleur be Snow White? Snow White's supposed to to be a girl anyway! This is humiliating!!!!   
  
Me: It's supposed to be!! I wrote this to humiliate you, and you will LIKE IT!! UNDERSTAND?  
  
Draco: Yes ma'am.  
  
Me: All right then. Action!  
  
Draco: Whatever shall I do? *bird lands on his shoulder* Will you help me? *bird nods* Oh, thank you! *bird leads him offstage*  
  
*fade to black*  
  
END SCENE II  
  
Me: Okay, that's enough for today, folks! Tommorrow we'll do Scene Three and Four, then we're done with Act One!  
  
Ron: Whew!  
  
Me: Then we move on to Act Two!  
  
Ron: There's more than one act?!  
  
Me: *sigh*  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and all related charecters belong to J.K. Rowling. "Snow White" belongs to several people, among them the Grimm Brothers and Walt Disney. SNL belongs to NBC. Bob and I belong to me. 


	2. Act I, Scenes 3 and 4

(the next day, down at the theater.)  
  
Me: Okay, in case anyone forgot, we're doing scenes three and four today!   
  
Draco: *to Ron* And then after that, we go on to Act Two!   
  
Ron: Shut it, Malfoy! At least I don't have to play a girls' part!  
  
Draco: Hey, I'm the PRINCE Snow White!  
  
Me: Will both of you shut up?! *shakes head* Okay, is everyone in place? Good! Action!  
  
ACT I, SCENE III: The Forest Where the Seven Dwarfs Live   
  
*lights go up, revealing stage the same as it was the previous day*  
  
*enter a little bird, followed by Draco*  
  
Draco: Is this the place?  
  
Bird: Tweet!  
  
Draco: Well, is it?  
  
Bird: Tweet!  
  
Draco: Answer me, damn it! *proceeds to strangle the bird*  
  
Me: CUT!! Draco, what are you doing?!  
  
Draco: Trying to get an answer out of this stupid bird! I ask it a question and all it says is "Tweet!"   
  
Me: It's a BIRD, you moron! It's SUPPOSED to say "tweet"!! You do not strangle it!! Capeche?  
  
Draco: Yes, ma'am.  
  
Me: Just pretend that it's saying "Yes", okay?  
  
Draco: Okay.  
  
Me: Good. ACTION!   
  
Draco: Let's see... It is? Oh, thank you, little birdie! *turns around and sees cottage* Oh my goodness! Whoever lives here needs some help! *goes offstage into the cottage, screams, and runs back out* Look at all the cobwebs! There's dirt everywhere! I know! I'll clean up this place! They'll be really surprised when they get back! *goes back inside and starts sweeping*  
  
~ONE HOUR LATER~  
  
Voices from over the hill: Hi-ho! Hi-ho! It's home from work we go! *seven little people enter*  
  
Oliver/Doc: Well, men-  
  
Hermione: And women!  
  
Oliver: -and women, you all did well today. Tonight, we will have a special dinner since you did so well.  
  
Seamus: What? Soup that's actually warm?   
  
Oliver: No. We'll have sausage! An outdoor barbeque! *everyone goes to a storage shed and takes out old barrels of food and drink*  
  
Colin: Ooooh! Sausage! I love sausage!  
  
Oliver: Everyone take some food! *They all take something and sit around the table outside the cottage*  
  
Seamus: Doc, this sausage is all moldy.  
  
Oliver: *a la Fagan in the musical "Oliver"* SHUT UP AND DRINK YOUR GIN!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Seamus: Yes sir…  
  
Oliver: Well, since no one appreciates this wonderful food, I guess we can all go inside. *They go offstage, Oliver in the lead*  
  
Draco: *from offstage* Hello, there!  
  
Dwarves: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *Run back on stage*  
  
Draco: *walks onstage* Don't be afraid. I won't hurt you. Will you please come out? *They come out* I'm Prince Snow White.  
  
Colin: Snow White?! Ohmigod! It's Snow White! *jumps up and down*   
  
Hermione: If you're Snow White, then what are you doing out here?  
  
Draco: My stepfather ordered for me to be killed.  
  
Seamus: Gee, I wonder why.  
  
Colin: Be nice, Grumpy. Why did he?  
  
Hermione: Isn't it obvious? The king was jealous of him, so he ordered him to be killed, so that he could be the most beautiful.  
  
Me: Wait a second!!! Hermione!! Seamus!!  
  
Hermione/Seamus: What?  
  
Me: Which Dwarf are you supposed to be?  
  
Seamus: Sleepy!   
  
Me: That's not the point! You haven't fallen asleep at all during this entire fic! You're not playing the part! And Hermione! You're Sneezy, but you haven't sneezed once! You ARE Sneezy and Sleepy. ACT LIKE IT!  
  
Hermione/Harry: Yes'm.  
  
Me: Okay, ACTION!!  
  
Draco: Please let me stay. I'll cook and clean and take care of the cottage.  
  
Oliver: Hmmm... okay. You can stay.  
  
Draco: Yay! But... I've introduced myself. I don't know your names, though.  
  
Oliver: Okay, dwarfs, line up behind me! *They do* I'm Doc. I'm the head dwarf around here. All comments, complaints, and suggestions go to me.  
  
Draco: Doc.  
  
Ginny: *Quietly* I'm Bashful.  
  
Draco: Happy to meet you, Bashful.  
  
Bob: I'm Grumpy.  
  
Draco: Hello, Gru-  
  
Bob: SHUT UP!!!!!!!!  
  
Draco: Okay, okay.  
  
Hermione: I'm- I'm- Achoooo!!!!!!!!!!!!   
  
Oliver: Sneezy.  
  
Hermione: Thank you.  
  
Colin: I'm Happy!   
  
Draco: Hello, Happy.  
  
Seamus: I'm Sleepy. *He falls asleep*  
  
Draco: Nice to meet you, S- Sleepy?  
  
Oliver: He really needs to see someone about that narcolepsy.  
  
Goyle: ???  
  
Oliver: That's Dopey.   
  
Draco: I see.  
  
Goyle: *Grins and falls on his face*  
  
Draco: Now what do you all want for supper?  
  
All: PIE!  
  
Hermione: 3.14!  
  
Draco: Okay. Pie it is.   
  
All: Yay!  
  
*fade to black*  
  
SCENE IV: The Palace  
  
*Lucius sits on his throne, Huntsman enters*  
  
Ron: I did as you asked, your Majesty.  
  
Lucius: Wonderful! Where is the proof?  
  
Ron: In here. *hands him a box*  
  
Lucius: At last!! Snow White is dead! *does Victory Dance of Joy* All right. You may go.   
  
Ron: Yes, your Majesty. *Exits*  
  
Lucius: Ah, yes! Now, at last, I am the fairest in the land. *opens the box and takes out a misshapen green lump* Ahhh. The heart of Snow White. Let's see what the mirror thinks of all this. I summon you, oh great and powerful magic mirror!  
  
Me: Yes, your Kinglyness?  
  
Lucius: Do you see this, mirror? *hold up green lump*   
  
Me: Yes it's-  
  
Lucius: THE HEART OF SNOW WHITE!! AT LAST, HE IS DEAD!!! Magic Mirror, on wall, who is the fairest one of all?  
  
Me: Umm, I hate to disappoint you, but it's still Snow White. He's living in a cottage in the woods with seven midget-men.  
  
Lucius: WHAT???? But, the heart-  
  
Me: Oh, that's a heart, all right- the heart of an artichoke.  
  
Lucius: *gasps* But how..?!  
  
Me: Think about it.  
  
Lucius: *thinks, giving himself a massive headache in the process* The huntsman! He tricked me! I'll... I'll... argh!!!  
  
Me: Yeah, you go do that.  
  
Lucius: GET OUT OF MY SIGHT, YOU ****ING USELESS MIRROR!!!!!!!!   
  
Me: Okay, okay. *exits*  
  
Lucius: What am I going to do? I will not sleep or eat until I'm the most beautiful once again!!!!! Ah-ha!! *goes over to his wardrobe* I'll disguise myself as a traveling salesperson!! *goes behind a screen and comes out wearing an extremely frightening disguise- a long dress, a blonde wig, and a basket* I'll need a name. Lucy! That'll do it. Hahaha. By the time the day is over, Snow White will be- DEAD! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   
  
*prances off the stage*  
  
*fade to black*  
  
Me: Okay, tommorrow we begin Act Two!  
  
END ACT I  
  
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^  
  
A/N: Okay, there's Scene Three and Four. Do you like it? ^_^ Please, no flames- only constructive criticism. Coming up next: Act II!!!!! 


	3. Act II, Scenes 1 and 2

Me: Okay, is everyone ready for Act Two?  
  
All: No.  
  
Me: Too bad! Places, everyone!  
  
ACT II, SCENE I: In front of the cottage   
  
*lights go up*  
  
*Draco enters, followed by Dwarfs)*  
  
Draco: I'll be making sandwiches for your lunch today. And I want you to keep yourselves as clean as you can.  
  
Dwarves: Yes, Snow White.  
  
Oliver: Remember what I said, Snow White. Don't let anyone into the cottage.   
  
Draco: I will. *gives them all a kiss* Goodbye!!!  
  
Dwarves: Goodbye!!!!!   
  
Draco: *begins sweeping the front of the cottage* *sings* I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt-  
  
Me: AAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!! CUT!!  
  
Draco: What?!  
  
Me: Please, Draco, for the good of all mankind, DO NOT SING!!!!  
  
Draco: And why not?   
  
Me: Do you want the truth?  
  
Draco: Yes!  
  
Me: You can't sing. Well, yes, you could sing, but you'd break every piece of glass on the face of the earth in the process. And that's just not nice.  
  
Draco: I'm not THAT bad!  
  
Me: Oh, yes you are.  
  
Draco: FATHER!!!!! SHE SAID I'M A BAD SINGER!!!!!  
  
Me: Oh, shut up and quit being a daddy's boy.  
  
Draco: Fine, then. What am I supposed to do?  
  
Me: Just... hum, or something. Okay? ACTION!!!!!!!  
  
Draco: *hums "Too Sexy"*   
  
*Lucius enters*  
  
Lucius: Ribbons! Jewelry! Stuff to buy! I've got an entire garage sale in a basket here!  
  
Draco: *to himself* I've got to be careful. That could be the evil King. *thinks* Or maybe just an assassin. *turns to Lucius* Who are you?  
  
Lucius: Everyone knows me! I'm Lucy! I sell stuff! *unloads basket* Do you need jewelry? A sash? Or maybe a comb?  
  
Draco: *to himself* Hmmmm. *fails to notice that "Lucy" is wearing a wig* She can't be the King, because the King is a man. Right? And since everyone knows her, she won't hurt me. *to "Lucy"* I'm sorry. I don't have any money.  
  
Lucius: No, really. I have something that would look great on you. *pulls a Pepto-Bismol pink sash out of the basket* Isn't it lovely?  
  
Draco: Oh, yes, it is.  
  
Lucius: Try it on.  
  
Draco: I will. *takes it and tries it on*  
  
Lucius: *aside* My plan is working perfectly! The sash looks perfectly harmless, but when he put it on and looks in the mirror, he will DIE OF FRIGHT! Hahaha! And then I will be the most beautiful!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!   
  
Draco: Hmmm… it fits alright.  
  
Lucius: Oh yes, it's absolutely perfect! Let me get you a mirror! *pulls a full-length mirror out of "magic bag"* Here, have a look!  
  
Draco: *looks* It's… oh my God… it's-it's... ack! *falls over, apparently dead*   
  
Lucius: HA!!!! *waves his arms wildly around and pulls off the blonde wig* IT WORKED!!!!!!!! I AM THE FAIREST IN THE LAND!!!!!!! *exits, cackling insanely*  
  
*Enter Dwarfs*  
  
Dwarfs: Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's home from work we- What the f*ck?  
  
Oliver: Snow White? *pokes Draco* Snow White! *looks to the dwarfs* He's dead!  
  
Colin: WWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!  
  
Seamus: *wakes up* What the- Holy- WWWWWWAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Herm: WAAAAAAAHHHHH- AH- AHCHOO!!!!  
  
Goyle: ???  
  
Ginny: *sniff*  
  
Bob: It was bound to happen eventually.  
  
Colin: Take that ugly sash off him so we can *sniff* have a funeral.  
  
*they take the sash off*  
  
Draco: *coughs* Where am I?  
  
Dwarfs: HE'S ALIVE!!!!!!  
  
Draco: Of course I'm alive. This girl- at least I think she was a girl- came and tried to sell me a sash. I tried it on, and the last thing I remember before I blacked out was... It was awful…  
  
Bob: He was drunk.  
  
Draco: I was not!  
  
Hermione: It was-achoo!- the king in disguise!   
  
Bob: No shit, Sherlock!  
  
Hermione: Keep digging-achoo!-Watson!  
  
Colin: Be nice, you two!  
  
Bob: No! It would be out of character!  
  
Oliver: All of you shut up!!!  
  
Bob/Hermione/Colin: Yes sir.  
  
Oliver: Thank you. Now, Snow White, what happened?   
  
Draco: A girl came here. Her name was Lucy, and she said she was the local peddler. She gave me that sash, and I tried it on.  
  
Bob: Dumb move #1.  
  
Draco: Then I looked in the mirror and… oh, that sash! It was so hideous!  
  
Oliver: Snow White, I told you not to let anyone in!!!!!!!   
  
Draco: Save it, Doc, I have a headache.  
  
Bob: You mean a hangover??  
  
Harry: I recommend sleeping.   
  
Oliver: You recommend sleeping for everything.  
  
Draco: I think I will.  
  
*fade to black*  
  
ACT II, SCENE II: Inside the throne room  
  
*lights go up, stage is now the Throne Room*  
  
Lucius: At last! Victory is mine!! I am the fairest in the land!!! *looks around* I'll ask the mirror before I get the Vodka out. I have to be sure. O great and powerful Magic Mirror, appear!!!!!  
  
Me: Yes, yes. Hold your applause.  
  
Lucius: I have a question for you, Mirror.  
  
Me: Shoot.  
  
Lucius: Magic mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest one of all?  
  
Me: Are you sure you want me to answer that?  
  
Lucius: Yes!  
  
Me: Are you positive?  
  
Lucius: YES!!  
  
Me: Are you sure you're positive?  
  
Lucius: ANSWER ME, GOD DAMMIT!!!!!  
  
Me: I warned you. The fairest in the land is... SNOW WHITE!!!!  
  
Lucius What?! But I killed him!   
  
Me: Obviously you didn't.  
  
Lucius: AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! *calms and thinks* What should I do? Aha! *digs through stuff on his table and comes up with a mishapen green thing* A POISONED AVACADO!!!!!!!!  
  
Me: Uh-huh.  
  
Lucius: It's perfect! Foolproof! I'll disguise myself as an elderly gentleman and offer it to Snow White, and he'll DIE!  
  
Me: Right.  
  
Lucius: And that's not all. Only one side it poisonous. I'll eat the safe side, to gain his trust, and then he'll take the other side! It's perfect!  
  
Me: You know there are a hundred ways this could go wrong?  
  
Lucius: Shut up! Now for a disguise. *goes behind a screen, and comes out as... SNAPE?*  
  
Snape: This is the best disguise I've come up with- I'm so ugly no one will recognize me! *pause* Do I have to say that?!  
  
Me: Yes! It's in the script, so you do!  
  
Snape: But I'm not ugly!  
  
Me: Of course you're not. You look like a picture.  
  
Seamus: *offstage* A picture of what?  
  
Snape: I HEARD THAT, FINNEGAN!!!!!!!  
  
Me: Okay, enough of this. ACTION!!!!!  
  
Snape: I'll go to the forest and then Snow White will die!! Hee-hee-hee! *Exits*  
  
Me: *sigh* Why does he always have to come up with these elaborate plans? I'd have just stabbed the kid by now…  
  
*lights go down*  
  
END SCENE II  
  
Me: *climbs off stage* Ok, guys that was good. Tommorrow, we do Scene Three!  
  
Ron: And then that's it, right?  
  
Me: No. Then we have to do Scenes Three and Four.  
  
Fleur: Do I have to kees zee stupid Eegelesh boy?  
  
  
  
Me: I'm sorry Fleur, but it's in the script.  
  
Fleur: Merde! 


	4. Act II, Scenes 3 and 4

Me: Well, it's a beautiful day for rehearsal! Everyone get in place for… Scene Three!   
  
All: *groan*  
  
Me: And… ACTION!  
  
ACT II, SCENE III: The Dwarf's Cottage  
  
*lights go up*  
  
Dwarfs: Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's off to work we go! *dwarves line up*  
  
Oliver: Snow White, do not let ANYONE into the house while we are gone. The king has tried to kill you twice now.  
  
Colin: All because he's jealous of you.  
  
Bob: It's almost like a warped compliment.  
  
Draco: I won't let anyone in. I promise.   
  
Oliver: Good. Have a nice day, Snow White!  
  
Draco: Goodbye! *dwarves march off into the sunrise.* Well, I'd better start making their lunches.   
  
Snape: *hobbling* Water... must... have... water... dying... of thirst... *looks up* Ha! There he is! I'll get him this time! *resumes hobbling* Will somone please give a thirsty old man a drink?  
  
Draco: Oh! What if it's the king? *thinks* But what if it's not? What if he's just a poor old man who needs a drink! *thinks some more* But Doc said not to let anyone in! Even if he's not the king, he could be some sick old pervert come to molest my smokin' bod! *shudders* But if he's not and I don't let him have a drink and he dies it'll be my fault! That'll look bad on my resume. Hmmm… what would a Boy Scout do?   
  
Snape: Excuse me, could you please get me a drink, young man?  
  
Draco: Um, I'm not supposed to let anyone in.  
  
Snape: Why not? I won't hurt you.  
  
Draco: Hmm… are you the King in disguise?  
  
Snape: Ummm… *crosses his fingers* No.  
  
Draco: Are you going to rape me?  
  
Snape: No.  
  
Draco: Alright. *leaves to get the water*   
  
Snape: What an idiot! I've got him right where I want him!   
  
Draco: *enters w/ a glass of water* Here you go.   
  
Snape: Thank you. *drinks* I must repay your kindness. Not many people would let a poor murderer- um, old man like me near their house.  
  
Draco: Oh, no. You don't have to.   
  
Snape: I don't have much, but I'll give you this. *Takes avocado out of his cloak*  
  
Draco: An avocado!   
  
Snape: Imported from California. Take it.  
  
Draco: I shouldn't.  
  
Snape: Oh come on. It' no as though I've poisoned it. Here, it's safe, see. *bites the safe side* Mmmm, this is a really good avocado. I'll leave it here in case you change your mind. Goodbye.   
  
Draco: Goodbye. That guy was weird. *looks at the avocado* Well, he ate some of it, so it can't be poisoned. *eat it* Mmmmm... ack! *falls over dead.*   
  
Snape: *tiptoes over to Draco* Let's see, he's not breathing... no pulse... no movement to speak of... yes. Defiantly dead.  
  
Dwarfs: Hi-ho, hi-ho... HEY!!!!!!!!  
  
Snape: Damn, it's the midget men. *gets up and runs*   
  
Dwarfs: GET HIM!!!!!!!!!! *chase ensues*  
  
Snape: Halt! Halt, I say! I'm royalty!  
  
Oliver: Get him!!!  
  
Colin: You big meanie!!  
  
Hermione: Achoo!!!  
  
Bob: Get back here you stupid f***er!!!!!  
  
Oliver: Wait! Let him go!  
  
Dwarves: What? Why?  
  
Oliver: We need to see if Snow White is alright.  
  
All: Ohhh... *walk over to where Draco is*   
  
Oliver: *muttering* Let's see, he's not breathing... no pulse... no movement to speak of... *to dwarfs* He's dead.  
  
All: *sniff* WAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Colin: We need to find a nice... resting place for him.   
  
All: *sniff*  
  
*fade to black*  
  
END SCENE III  
  
*lights go up*  
  
ACT II, SCENE IV: The Throne Room  
  
Snape: *runs as fast as an old man can* Mirror! I have question!  
  
Me: What happened to the "O great and powerful magic mirror" bit?  
  
Snape: No time! Just tell me what I need to know!  
  
Me: And what might that be?   
  
Snape: You know what I want! Who is the most beautiful?  
  
Me: Are you sure?  
  
Snape: ANSWER ME, DAMMIT!!!!!!  
  
Me: Prince Snow White.  
  
Snape: *eyes get really, really big* You're joking.  
  
Me: No, I'm not.  
  
Snape: *turns several different colors* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGG  
  
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Me: I knew he'd take this badly.  
  
Snape: THIS IS TERRIBLE!!! I CAN NEVER SHOW MYSELF IN PUBLIC AGAIN!!!!!   
  
Me: It's not that bad...  
  
Snape: YES IT IS!!!!!!!!  
  
Me: What are you going to do now?  
  
Snape: I'll... fly out the window, to a place where no one knows me! I won't be shunned as much!!!!!!  
  
Me: *dialing phone* Hello, is this the sanitarium? Yes, there's a man here at the palace that I'm concerned about... Yes, he's showing all the signs of insanity, I'd like you to come pick him up-  
  
Snape: Wheeeeeeee!!!!! Do I get a jacket with extra long sleeves?  
  
Me: And hurry.  
  
Snape: We are the champions, no time for losers...  
  
Me: My God, he's really lost it this time.  
  
*fade to black*  
  
END SCENE IV  
  
Me: Well, you all did well. Especially you, Snape; the insanity bit was very convincing.  
  
Seamus: He wasn't acting.  
  
Snape: FINNEGAN!  
  
Seamus: *runs away*  
  
Snape: *runs after him, screaming and cursing*  
  
Me: Oh dear. 


	5. Act II, Scene 5

ACT II, SCENE V: The Forest  
  
*lights go up"  
  
Me: *running in with Ron* Wait a second, everyone!   
  
*lights go back down*  
  
Me: We have a fiasco on our hands.  
  
Oliver: This whole play's been a fiasco.  
  
Me: One of the actors has deserted us!  
  
Draco: *from inside the glass coffin* Well, hurry it up, I can't stand being inside this box thingy much longer!  
  
Me: It's called a coffin, stupid. Now everyone over here! *Everyone comes over, including Draco* Ron, tell them what you found.  
  
Ron: I found this in Fleur's dressing room. *holds out a note*   
  
Draco: *reads it* "I refuse to touch that stupid little British boy, much less kiss him. Find a new princess. Good luck. Signed, Fleur Delacour." Hey! I am not a stupid little British boy!  
  
Ron: Well, you're stupid and British, but I'm not sure about the last one...  
  
Draco: Shut up, Weasley! What were you doing in her dressing room, anyway?  
  
Ron: Umm... nothing.  
  
Draco: Yeah, right.   
  
Me: Now, let's not start making accusations, here. We need a new princess, and the only girls here are Hermione and Ginny.  
  
Hermione: I'm not doing it!  
  
Ginnny: Me neither!  
  
Draco: *whines* No one likes me anymore!  
  
Ron: No one ever liked you in the first place.   
  
Me: Well, if neither Hermione nor Ginny will do it, then we'll just have to discontinue the fic.  
  
All but Me: YAY!  
  
Me: But wait! I have an idea!   
  
All but Me: Damn!  
  
Me: Yes… yes, it just might work! Of course, it will be very controversial. But that's what makes it fun!  
  
Draco: What's she talking about?  
  
Ginny: I don't know, but I'd be afraid if I were you.  
  
Draco: Oh joy. Mercury, what are you plotting?!  
  
Me: Well I can't tell you now! That would ruin the surprise! Places, everyone! *every goes to their places* Okay… ACTION!  
  
*light go up*  
  
ACT II, SCENE V: The Forest  
  
Dwarves: *enter sobbing* He's dead! He's dead!   
  
Oliver: Our beloved prince is... DEAD!  
  
Colin: He has gone to a better place!  
  
Seamus: Shuffled loose the mortal coil!  
  
Bob: Kicked the bucket!  
  
*Hermione and Ginny come in carrying the glass coffin with Draco inside. Goyle comes in last*  
  
Hermione and Ginny: *sniff*  
  
Goyle: *sniff*  
  
*Suddenly a coach-looking thing crosses paths with them. Remus Lupin is driving it.*  
  
Lupin: Excuse me, what's going on here? I'm in a bit of a hurry.  
  
Oliver: This is a funeral procession! Have some respect!  
  
Lupin: Whose funeral?  
  
Colin: The prince. *sniff*  
  
Lupin: He's dead?  
  
Dwarves: Yes.  
  
Lupin: He's the reason we were coming here! I'm delivering a marriage proposal from another kingdom!  
  
Ron: Too late.  
  
Remus: Well, my charge will want to pay the appropriate respects. *the coach door opens, and out steps… HARRY POTTER!*  
  
Draco: WHAT?!  
  
Me: Hey, you're supposed to be dead! And I had to bribe him to do this, so you'd better cooperate!  
  
Draco: I AM NOT GOING TO KISS POTTER!  
  
Me: Oh, come on…  
  
Draco: NO!  
  
Me: Well, I could do it instead…  
  
Draco: Ummm… never mind.   
  
Me: I knew you'd see it my way. Okay, ACTION!  
  
Harry: Where's Prince Draco?  
  
Oliver: The person you came to see is dead.  
  
Harry: *sniff* I never got to meet him.  
  
Oliver: Sneezy, Bashful, bring the coffin over here so the prince can pay his respects.  
  
*They walk over. Suddenly, Hermione trips over a tree root and the coffin goes flying into a bush*  
  
All: NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Voice from within the bushes: What the... where am I? Oh… head… hurts…  
  
Oliver: Who goes there?   
  
Draco: *comes out of the bushes* It's just me.  
  
All: HE'S ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Harry: Ooh. He's cute.  
  
Draco: What just happened?  
  
Oliver: You were dead!  
  
Colin: The magic bush woke him up!  
  
All: *stares at Colin*  
  
Colin: What?  
  
*Draco and Harry look into each other's eyes. Sappy music starts*  
  
Harry & Draco: I love you. Will you marry me?  
  
Draco & Harry: Of course, because I just think you're so sexy! *smooches abound*  
  
Lupin: That was... abrupt.  
  
Dwarves: Yay!! A wedding!  
  
*everyone rides off into the sunset*  
  
Me: *as the Mirror* And so it ends. The King was confined to a mental ward for the rest of his days, Draco and Harry went to Canada and got married, and everyone lived happily ever after.   
  
*fade to black*  
  
*****~~~THE END~~~****  
  
Me: Well, that was excellent! Bravo, all of you!  
  
Ron: I'm just glad it's over.  
  
Me: But where is the start of our show? *everyone looks and sees that Draco is still sitting on top of the carriage, gazing into Harry's eyes* Umm... Draco?  
  
Ron: That's some good acting, you guys.  
  
Seamus: I don't think that's acting, Ron.  
  
Draco: Harry, I have realized in the space of three-and-a-half seconds that I am incerdibly attracted to you.  
  
Harry: Why, so have I.   
  
Draco: I love you.  
  
Harry: I love you.  
  
Draco: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?  
  
Harry: Why, yes I am.  
  
*Harry drags Draco offstage. A slamming door it heard, followed by the nmistakable sounds of making out*  
  
*several second of awkward silence pass*  
  
Ron: *shudders* 


End file.
